Kakulangan
Lahat naman tayo, merong mga hiling. Di kontento sa ating mukha, ating katawan, sa ating height, sa ating buhok, sa ating kulay… In other words, MARAMI tayong hiling. Walang kakuntetuhan.
Ako man, di ko nakikita ang sarili ko as “gwapo”. Sa paningin ko, panget ang katawan ko. Maliit ako (5’6), panget ang buhok, at mas gwapo ako kung naging mas maputi ako. Kaya naman, mababa parin ang self-esteem ko. Kaya naman, ito ang pangarap kong itsura ko talaga:
Lovestrucked at P — Finale
He got in to the fashion show and it was not a surprise for me. I knew he would get in, my friend kinda guaranteed that and it was hard not to notice P ‘cause he was an instant standout among the go-see people.
Then, things kinda slowed down. We weren’t able to meet much. He told me that training and all was fun. However, he was planning to apply as a Flight Attendant in an airline.
I told him to finish his college degree first because he was already in his 3rd year and he’s smart so applying for work should come easy for him. However, he didn’t heed my advice. He got in. Next thing I heard from him, he told me he stopped attending the practices for the fashion show since he had to attend training as an FA.
He eventually got to become a Flight Attendant. But by that time, he rarely messages me. However, he tells me that he’s now flying for a local flight, then next month, maybe international flights. I was authentically happy since I know, he’s achieved one of his dreams.
March 8, Tuesday, a group of friends invited me out. Then, he suddenly asked me, where am I off to. I told him that I was going to booze out with some friends. He asked me where so I said, ‘somewhere in Katipunan. You? Where’re you off to?’ He told me he got nothing to do so I invited him over. He went all the way from Cavite and we drank. I noticed that he was actually getting everyone’s attention. Yes, I felt a pang of jealousy but I didn’t mind it. It was past midnight and to put it in an easy way, I got quite drunk and he was, as well. He was already biting me in my arms, it was both painful and sweet. He was whispering words I couldn’t comprehend already. He was borrowing my phone and taking random pictures of me. They woke me up because we were already leaving. He was supposed to go earlier because he wanted to get home to Cavite and got no place to sleep over. A friend was offering his place for us but I declined since I knew, he liked P and used to like me as well. So I told P to stay in my dorm instead even though I’m not sure if I can get him in since it was strictly for the residents only.
So we reached my dorm, I drunkenly told our guard (which luckily was my friend) that I have this cousin who came from Cebu and was attending a seminar in Makati who needs a place to crash because we went out with friends. The guard readily agreed. But since we only had 4 beds for 4 people, he had to sleep beside me.
It was the best night of my life. Having the person I really love beside me, sleeping. I could almost cry and thank God it happened. However, I was really tired and I had to wake up 7am because I’m going to attend a seminar at school by 8am.
So I woke up 7am, an Ash Wednesday, and prepped up. I was torn between attending and staying there beside him. In the end, I decided, school’s more important. But I didn’t forget to text him up. I told him: “Hey, I’m sorry I can’t be there when you wake up. I really have to attend this seminar. However, do text me or call me when you’re awake. I might drop by for lunch.” True enough, he woke up around 10am, called me up to ask where am I. Told him I was in the seminar. He was still kinda disoriented. He told me he got really paranoid since no one was there when he woke up (my roommates had classes in the morning as well). So I told him, I’m going home for lunch. He waited for me and when I got there, we were talking about what happened. There was this awkward silence as he was lying down and I was sitting by the edge of my bed. And then, we hugged.
I told him let’s eat. It was my treat since he told me he had no cash left and only has his credit card. Then, we went to Starbucks and he bought himself and me a drink which he took out. I brought him over to the bus stop so he can go to Makati and I went back to the seminar, around 2pm. I was so happy, my friend noticed it and asked, “Bakit biglang ang blooming mo?” I just told her, “Wala, bawal ba magenjoy pagnaglalunch?”
Then next day, he texted me, “I miss…” I replied and then he replied again. Little did I know, that was the last conversation I was ever gonna have with him.
Later on, I discovered, he already had a boyfriend, a seemingly handsome and hunky one but not that smart and was a control freak so he broke up with him. Next thing, I learned he has already moved to Mactan, Cebu, with a new guy.
Remembering everything we’ve been through and ending it that way made me feel really sad. I was crying for more than a week… because I know there was really no chance for an US but the chance to keep him as a friend went away along with it during that day. It was like being saturated with candies one day, only to find out, you’re never gonna taste candies ever again.
People are slowly forgetting about what social networking is. its not about the likes, reblogs, shares or views. Its about making friends and sharing your life.
very well said
(Source: happykevin)
Lovestrucked at P part 3
I was crying both because I got touched and because I got hurt that it seemed I could never exceed the level of being a ‘nice friend’
This very line made me even more determined to make him feel that he deserves me better than all those guys he’s been with and hurt him. It’s because P is the idealist: he sees himself building a house, growing old with that guy whom he loves and it pains me to always hear him saying it because I still don’t feel that he would be able to put me in that picture that he is dreaming of.
There came a time when I was too busy with school and he was busy with his. We were distance apart. He would call because he would ask for an opinion over a decision. He said he’d be working out and try to pursue his dreams of becoming a model.
A few months later, he’d tell me he was offered to have a photoshoot from a famous photographer for males. I saw his photos and they were fantastic as I thought they would be.
Then, there came this go-see event for my school’s college of fine arts wherein they were hoping to get models for their annual fashion show whether the model’s a student from that school or not. So, I immediately messaged P about it because I knew it was his biggest dream to be one.
The go-see came, and I accompanied him to it. Unfortunately, acquaintances saw us together and were asking how are we related. We said we’re friends and that he’s from another school. They made him walk and said he looked awkward (of course, it was his first time to do it). They told me to coach him up since I was part of the Top 12 in my college’s pageant and was taught to walk on stage.
The go-see went on until late in the afternoon. We went up to this place where there is delicious sausages and ate. We were already saying goodbyes when my acquaintances saw us again. Unfortunately, one of them was gay and the other two are female and I overheard the girl saying: “Ang gwapo nya.” Then one replied in a hushed voice. Then the girl said again: “Hay sayang talaga. Bakit ba ang dami nang ganyan ngayon?” and I knew they thought we were a couple.
TO BE CONTINUED
Lovestrucked at P part 2
and it was already 4am. We suddenly decided we both needed to get home. What’s fascinating is that we both live in the South so we got to continue talking til we get home.
After that wonderful day, I felt really different. I knew deep within myself, I met someone that is worth taking the risk. I made a firm resolve that I will try to pursue him - even if it means that I might get hurt.
So a lot of dates followed after it. We watched a couple of movies like Inception and Skyline but what really counts the most was the conversations we shared together.
My friends noticed that I was happier than before and asked me why. I just told them that I’m in a happier disposition than before. However, one common friend of ours was really close to me and so I told him of what was going on between me and P. He told me that P likes chinitos, fair-skinned, tall guys. I was none of them (well, except the chinito which is mejo pasado ako). I got sad, but I told him that I’ll show him that love doesn’t always need physical requirements.
It came to a point that P told me about his problems: both in school, social, and family. It really flattered me that he was trusting me enough to share those things. He’d ask me advice and he’d listen and do them then later, thank me for having positive effects on following my advice.
Our friend then asked him one time, “Ano ba si Aaron sayo?” and he said, “You know what, I feel really lucky that I have a really nice friend in Aaron.” I couldn’t determine what I was feeling then when our friend told me about that answer of his. I was crying both because I got touched and because I got hurt that it seemed I could never exceed the level of being a ‘nice friend’.
TO BE CONTINUED…
#LOL parang ayoko gawin in real life.
(Source: an-other-world)
Lovestrucked at P
it’s about 4 days before Valentine’s Day and I’m still… SINGLE. It’s not a really big deal for me now. However, what I do not like about the day is that I kept remembering my past loves. Soooo.. I’ve decided to share this person whom I used to really like and love.
Let’s call him P. So, basically, we had this common friend who was trying to incorporate guys in his circle of friends into one big circle and we started out as.. textmates. He would always speak intelligently and in English. I happen to get interested in the way he responds to things and as I look him up on Facebook, lo and behold! I saw a god. He was chinky eyed(my weakness, as my previous post said), tall and fair. He also had this childish look on his face that did not make him 2 years older than me but rather, looked as though he was my age. He had this thin frame that made him even more taller.
So as the days passed, we became ever closer. January 30, 2010, I believe it was my friend’s debut party and I was in Ortigas when he messaged me and said that he’s in Manila and wanted to meet me up somewhere if I’m free. Arte pa ba ko? So I left the party at around 1am and went to Blue Wave, Pasay to meet him up in Starbucks for coffee. I was scared, I don’t look much compared to him. Then, as I walked down to Starbucks, I saw his smiling face and he waved at me. Nalaglag lang talaga ang panty ko, kidding. No, but seriously, he looked better in person. He had this aura of beauty and it adds up to his already beautiful features.
We talked over a single order of frappucino for both of us for about 3 hours, we didn’t have any specific topic; we just never realized how long we’ve been sitting there together, talking to one another.
TO BE CONTINUED
When I eavesdropped…
okay, so i was in Starbucks Las Pinas a while ago, reviewing my notes (yes, effort akong lumayo sa bahay). I was sitting in the couch for 5 people so that everyone climbing up was looking at me with eyes that say, umalis ka jan, mag-isa ka lang naman e. nagrereview pa. kami nalang jan. makuha ka sa tingin. And so, tinaas ko yung reviewer ko so i won’t see their eyes. After about 30 mins, umalis yung group of girls sitting on the couch beside mine, sa wakas. mejo maingay sila and tingin pa ng tingin at nagbubulungan, I said to myself. Then another group of 3 girls and a guy sat in that same couch. ‘Di naman ako chismoso, pero i can’t help overhearing their topic ‘cause ako lang naman and them were there sa 2nd floor.
So the girls were listening to this guy’s failed love story. He was telling them how he planned that they become textmates and how they grew closer. He also told how the girl was the one approaching him already at school. Deep inside, I told myself: Seryoso? If I was in his shoes, I’d know she likes me. Then, he told of one specific incident when she called him to ask: Ano yung sasabihin mo? And then, he said, ah yun? wala yun! and dropped the call.
His girl friends were all, ang tanga moooooooo! She was the one calling na because she really wanted to hear it from you already and yet you ruined it. Then he said, tinext ko naman sya after e. Sabi ko, ‘I like you.’ Now, I would think that for someone who believes the girl is way out of his league, that was a bold move. I would also feel that way if I did it with my girl crush then (which I really did, and failed —- okay, saved for another tumblr post to.) The girls then were all mushy and kilig that he got the courage to say that. Then one asked, nagreply sya? what did she say? He said, ang reply nya, ‘ikaw talaga, you’re kidding me again. The friend asked the guy again, ano sabi mo? He said, edi sabi ko yeah, i am.
The girls got mad at him and said, Grabe ka! you should’ve said a plain ‘No.’ and everything would’ve been different! Now, the guy got really confused. He believed that the girl really meant he was only kidding so the girls took the liberty to give him a lecture.
So, I quickly got my planner and wrote it down. The girls said that:
If you text them that you like them and they said, “You’re kidding me, right?” It means, “Say it againm please?”
Seriously, kulang nalang was that I nod and say yes to the girls. I’ve been in this guy’s shoes a long time ago. Somehow, the shadow of the pain I felt then still remained. Siguro, if I had been braver and said it straight, things would’ve been different. I wouldn’t be in this world of men. (Tahkaaaaaah, LOL)
Anyways, to this guy, and the 3 girls that was mentioned, sorry if I posted this private conversation among you friends. I was just engrossed with the topic because I was able to relate to it. It actually brought back memories of my past and some regrets I had. To this guy, I hope, you find courage next time to stand by the your love for the person that you choose. You may never know if that next person would be the one. And if turns out to nothing and you get hurt, charge it to experience just like what your friend said. :)
